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Hilarious Weight Loss, Dieting, and Exercise Jokes and Stories

weight loss and dieting jokes

We all dread working out and sticking to a diet. But these jokes and stories will definitely add some fun to it.

Who knows? You may even burn a few extra calories by laughing to these jokes! LOL!

The only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying, “I ate nachos,” I say, “I accidentally ate nachos.”—@behindyourback

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit.

Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.

“Wow,” the lady said, “I must have worn these when I was 183.”

Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, “How old are you now?”

best weight loss jokes

My sisters and I have weight problems and are always sharing diet tips. One day my oldest sister was showing us a low-fat cookbook and pointed out a chicken dish she had tried the night before. Reading the ingredients, I commented, “It looks like it would taste really bland.”

“It did,” she replied, “until I added cheese and sour cream.”

“Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.”

I was talking to my doctor about a weight-loss patch I had seen advertised. Supposedly you stick it on, and the pounds melt away. “Does it work?” I asked.

“Sure,” he said. “If you put it over your mouth.”

—Mary Kaapke

Following his motivational talk at a Weight Watchers meeting, my father noticed one client’s small son climbing onto a scale.

“Don’t go on that, Joey,” warned the boy’s slightly older brother.

“It makes people cry.”

—Carter Dickerson

best weight loss jokes

Although I knew I had put on a few pounds, I didn’t consider myself overweight until the day I decided to clean my refrigerator. I sat on a chair in front of the appliance and reached in to wipe the back wall.

While I was in this position, my teenage son came into the kitchen. “Hi, Mom,” he said. “Whatcha doin’, having lunch?”

I started my diet that day.

—Betty Strohm

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. Fine, it was pizza. I ate a pizza.

A whale swims all day, only consumes fish and water, and is fat. A rabbit only eats vegetables, runs and hops all day long, and only lives 5 years. Meanwhile…

“Food has replaced sex in my life; now, I can’t even get into my own pants.”

The Wall Street Journal reports this week that the candy industry is so worried about falling candy sales they are now adding caffeine to their candy. Well, that’s every parent’s worst nightmare — a fat kid who’s up all night.

best weight loss and dieting jokes

Mother and I were discussing our mutual weight problem one evening, when I challenged her to a contest. If I lost the most weight in the next month, I wouldn’t have to pay her the $6 that I owed her. If she lost the most weight, I would have to pay up. Anything for an incentive!

“All right,” said Mother happily. “But let’s wait two weeks before we start. There are some things I have to eat first.”

—Irene Lane

Following his motivational talk at a Weight Watchers meeting, my father noticed one client’s small son climbing onto a scale.

“Don’t go on that, Joey,” warned the boy’s slightly older brother.

“It makes people cry.”

—Carter Dickerson

The biggest loser at my weight-loss club was an elderly woman. “How’d you do it?” we asked. “Easy,” she said. “Every night I take my teeth out at six o’clock.”

—Cathy J. Schreima

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

I gave up jogging for my health reasons. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

best weight loss and dieting jokes

Q: What do you call a non-amateur live bacteria?
A: A Pro-Biotic
-By Sam Benson Smith

I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

I don’t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap the unhealthy foods out of my hand.

“Wow, that Lean Cuisine really filled me up,” said no one ever.

My sister decided to go on a diet, and that first evening she phoned me. I could tell her mouth was full, so I asked her what she was eating.

“A cupcake,” she mumbled. “I just got on the scale, and it read 149 1/2 pounds. I decided that was no place to start a diet, so I’m rounding it off to 150.”

—Sharon E. Askegreen

The teacher in our Bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert. “The Lord heard you when you wailed, ‘If only we had meat to eat!’ ” she began. “Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month—until you loathe it.” When the woman finished, she paused, looked up and said, “Hey, isn’t that the Atkins diet?”

—David Martino

Nutritionist: You should eat 1,200 calories a day.

Me: OK, and how many a night?

I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore. Baby steps, dude!

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

best weight loss and dieting jokes

Although I was only a few pounds overweight, my wife was harping on me to diet. One evening we took a brisk walk downtown, and I surprised her by jumping over a parking meter, leapfrog style.

Pleased with myself, I said, “How many fat men do you know who can do that?”

“One,” she retorted.

—R. T. McLaury

Trainer: What’s your favorite exercise?
Me: Chewing.

After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet. It was then I shared my dark secret: “I put our teenage son’s shorts in his underwear drawer.”

—Ruth J. Luhrs

Don’t forget, you are what you eat….
I need to eat a skinny person.

If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?

Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two…alone.

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.”

It took a lot of willpower…but I finally gave up dieting.

weight loss jokes

weight loss jokes

weight loss jokes
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About the author

Tony Muchangi

Am an entreprenuer, blogger, and freelance writer. While I can write on virtually any topic, I have a specific passion for healthy living ideas, which is why I chose to start HFO. Follow me on social media and let's take this journey together! Thank you for being here!

"If you don't take care of your body, where are you going to live?"

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